A note: This is another one that was written some time ago and I always hesitated in posting. I'm proud of it, it just feels scary to be putting into words what goes on in my mind sometimes.
Taking anti-depressants feels a lot like giving up. Like your brain is no longer under your control. It’s nothing to be ashamed of but it feels like it should be. Everyone else can cope just fine without pills and visits to the doctor so why can’t you?
You know that’s not strictly true, but since when did fact ever overrule stigma and opinion?
It feels like you’re waiting for something to happen. Always waiting for the day when you realise you don’t need them anymore. But no one ever tells you how long that’s going to be. You don’t know if you can envision yourself taking them forever so you’ll always be ‘ok’. Or that mythical day in the future when you’ll be ‘ok’ all by yourself. You don’t know which is more likely.
You’re anxious to make plans. Make a list of when you’ll feel better and what you’ll do when you don’t want to spend all day curled up under the duvet staring into the darkness behind your eyelids.
You can’t wait for the day when you feel good, you just have to make your plans while you’re still not ok and try to get through them.
It doesn’t work out very often.
You spend a lot of time thinking of all the things you could be doing and even more time not doing anything at all.
Your house hasn’t been cleaned properly in weeks. You haven’t done anything but waste hours on the internet. You don’t even have the motivation to watch a whole hour of television.
You keep waiting for the day when you’ll feel ok.
You don’t feel ok, yet.
Not every day anyway. Some days.
Bad days make you wish you could change everything about your life but you don’t even know where to start. Too many big decisions.
But pills, they feel like a start. You did something. You told someone. You don’t feel ok yet but you think you might do one day.
You wish you knew when.
Tales written from a prompt in just 10 minutes.
Copyright © 2016 - 2017 10 Minute Tales