My brain is a saboteur. Working against itself to cause distress and unhappiness. My brain is like the worst spy in the world. Instead of James Bond-ing around and destroying its enemies (I guess unhappiness and anxiety are Dr No and Blofeld in this analogy*) it is sat in the corner of a small room second-guessing its every move and reporting back to M (that would be me) that all is hopeless and I might as well give up now.
Thanks brain! Dickhead.
I’m too afraid to go to therapy (insert sarcastic laughter here) so I occasionally write out my thoughts in my prettiest notebook while attempting to keep my handwriting neat – I don’t want to spoil the pretty notebook – but even that is far and few between. Mostly I listen to podcasts and play endless games of solitaire to keep my hands occupied.
Sometimes I lay in bed at a funny angle and become aware of my heartbeat. Or I start thinking about how I’m breathing and then can’t stop thinking about it. When this happens, I often start to be afraid that at any point one these things might stop happening. They feed into each other too. I start trying to breath calmly so my heart-rate stays level and yet become more and more aware of my breathing. I can’t stop checking my own pulse even though that is making the fear bigger and stronger. I start breathing deeply because I’m afraid I’m not taking in enough oxygen. At any point I could drop dead.
Surprise surprise the person who writes anonymously on the internet doesn’t have any tried and tested coping mechanisms for her anxiety. If I could find a way to stop myself from double- triple- quadruple- checking the day, time and meeting point of every social occasion that would be great. I always know what day it is yet I will deliberately check my phone every Friday just to check I am actually ok to go to work in casual-Friday appropriate clothes. Sometimes I even pretend that I’m just checking my emails. Fuck knows why because I’m literally the only person in the room, I’m just very obviously lying to myself in my mind.
Why are you so stupid, brain?
Airing out thoughts can be helpful; this was a little exercise in getting things off my chest. That’s all I know how to do really, write and hope it exorcises some tiny demon.
I definitely prefer the demon analogy to the James Bond one. Wish I’d gone with that one instead.
*I do not keep up with James Bond so I can’t name more recent villains.
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